"TO LIFT, OR NOT TO LIFT THE TOILET SEAT: THAT IS THE QUESTION "

               I am not here on a crusade or vendetta but I do feel he need to voice my opinion about  "Men's Bathroom Rights." A True Men's Suffrage, if you will. This has to do with the Hamlet like dilemma and decision all men face when living with a woman: "To Lift , Or Not To Lift"  the toilet seat.  

               Over the years, I have seen these male/female toilet wars spawn tons of bickering and heated arguments between men and women, and it makes some women absolutely FURIOUS. I can easily picture a woman slamming the toilet seat down, rolling their eyes, and  muttering "STUPID F###ING MEN!" under their breath with an angry sigh.

          I have heard several reasons why the yawning toilet seat has caused women to get so upset and the most common answer is because of the nocturnal shocking experience of plopping their butts down on the toilet, only to have the unexpected surprise of dunking their warm bare buns into ice cold commode water, all because they couldn't see the seat was up in the dark. My reaction to this with a head scratch is, why don't they turn on the bathroom light when they entered the bathroom? I have yet to EVER  pee in the dark unless it is outside camping,  which is a benefit and wonderful treat for all of us men. 

         First of all, presently, there are no urinals installed in any houses that I have ever seen, which is sexist and discriminatory in and of itself. We are forced to try to control a three-foot- long stream (which is very difficult to begin with)  and we were all trained to do this marksmanship standing up. No self-respecting man EVER sits down to go wee-wee. 

         Lifting the seat also has a long history behind it, as when we were all little boys, most of us all had little Vienna sausages that stuck straight out and had more trajectory power than a Ladder 51 fire hose. We were all trained  to control and wield this great power standing up after graduating from the potty chair. Lifting the seat was not only courteous, but it also gave us a little bit bigger target. If we managed to get most of it in the diameter of the toilet bowl, it was a special feat, no different than playing darts for the first time. When learning to play darts, a lot of them wound up in family pictures, and our misguided novice pee-pee streams were equally misguided and off-target. My first several times at going tinkle for the first time like a big boy, I wound up whizzing all over the water holding tank, mirror, toilet paper roll, the side of the bathtub, and sometimes incredibly, the ceiling. In time, as our Vienna sausages (some not all) became bigger and more Bratwurst shaped, we started to develop a slightly weighted German World War 2 helmet shape at the end of our penis, gravity at least helped to point our stream in the right direction. With tons of practice, we managed to get 98 percent of it in the toilet bowl.

               But the infamous 2 percent we don't get in the bowl is the main crux of our problem. Unlike a hose or a faucet that you can turn off immediately, we men cannot do that. It is what we men refer to as "The Shake."  "The Shake" is the last few remaining milliliters of wee-wee at the end, that are often unpredictable in volume and therefore are often in danger of missing their mark. It is these last few dribbles and  drops that are THE reason we lift the seat for you ladies. "The Shake" is a lifetime pursuit in agility, dexterity, skill, and perfect timing of several simultaneous activities at once: The proper placement of your fingers on your penis,  and then having to choose which method of shaking works best: Some men use the  "fast- jiggle" or "slow-wiggle" vertical flopping upward and downward movements. Others  kind of gently swat the German Helmet a few times with the back of their hand, and some men literally just flick it a couple of times with their finger like a mean kid would an ear lobe.
           Regardless of what  methods we use to perform "The Shake," we still have to have  the simultaneous skill to be relaxed enough to release those droplets and drop them into the toilet bowl on target while performing "The Shake." This is almost an unattainable feat and hence why most of us wind up, if we are considerate, using a little TP to wipe the rim of our mistake with the seat up. 

             Some men, if they drink too many beers, immediately regress to their first days of potty training. They will rock and sway back and forth like they are on a small boat in rough seas, and get maybe 50 percent or so in their intended target, regardless of seat position, so it could be much worse. But in case we forget to clean the rim, at least you ladies  will be ensured to sit down on a nice dry seat when you put it down.  If I were a woman, I would see this as no less chivalrous and considerate than a man opening up a door for a lady or ordering and paying for dinner. 

             To me it shows we were THINKING OF YOU before we used the toilet ladies! We are trying to protect your precious buns from the sting and wet of our Shake droplets. Our intention was never to have your buns splash into the commode water like a dunking machine. Our intention was to be considerate. 

             A friend of mine suggested a perfect solution to this. Every person, male and female, should put the seat down AND the lid down, that way, both men and women have to do a little work before and after.  I am not pissed any longer after getting this stream (puns fully intended) of consciousness out and right on target. 

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