I would like to wish everybody a Happy First Son's Day....Yes.... There SHOULD be a Happy First Born Son's day either the Monday following Mother's Day or the Monday following Father's Day. I have decided to take a stand, and come out and fight for us neglected first born sons from the vantage point of a first born son.
Mother's Day and Father's Day are wonderful holidays where we cherish our moms and dads. But this exclusivity to just parents is a form of unconscionable child abuse for us first born sons.
It is time for people to stop turning a blind eye and choosing to be willfully indifferent to the suffering, pain, and gross mistreatment we first born sons have endured for centuries. In the Old Testament, we were sometimes killed just for simply being born first, if God or Pharaoh happened to be a little on the grouchy or cranky side that morning: Most unconscionable of all, we are always the first ones who are literally yanked out from our 9- month slumber and into this cruel, cold world before any of our cowardly siblings have to venture out. I know from personal experience the horrors of being a first born son and remember it like it was 51 seconds ago, not 51 years. We are the ones to first get spanked, punished, sent to our rooms, and endure all the mistakes our parents make raising us. But the story below tells the tale of why it is so hard to be a first born son and we DESERVE our own holiday to be celebrated. These atrocities started from the day I came out of the womb.
I was minding my own business, taking a long, warm and comfy 9-month snooze inside my mommy with not a care in the world. In fact, I had a little happy smile on my face, knowing that the thing coiled all around me was going to make me VERY popular with the ladies one of these days. All of a sudden, I was awakened and was violently pulled out of this nice warm jacuzzi and into a frigid-cold Antarctica-like climate, wet and naked. I was terrified, as I saw this GIANT creature looming over me, wearing glasses that made his scowling eyes look HUGE staring down at me. The giant was wearing a light green robe and had the same colored green mask covering his mouth. I then saw other giants in the room wearing those same robes and masks talking amongst themselves in these deafening, low pitch monster voices. I immediately began to cry with fright, and then the next thing I know, the giant with the huge eyes dangles me upside down by my feet and the world turned upside down. He then slaps my bottom, and then lies me down on this FREEZING metal table tray thing, and immediately and completely snips my coiled pride and joy away, tucking the little tiny bit I had left in a hole in my belly. I looked down in horror as I realized that the long, large coiled thing I was so proud of wasn't mine at all!: The tiny nub BELOW my belly was mine, and I immediately began bawling in disappointment and shame at my terrible shortcoming. Finally, to add insult to injury, Dr. Giant decides to make my tiny Little Smokie even smaller, by snipping even MORE away at the tip of my nub, and that is where I lost it and absolutely SHRIEKED.
To this day, I want to take a dull, rusty garden snippers to that cruel Dr. Giant and see how HE likes having his Little Smokie snipped with no novacaine!!!! I found out later that that damn thing I was so proud for 9 months was some sort of damn feeding tube called a "nimblical cord" or something like that. It might have been nice if someone could have told me that bit of info from the beginning, so I didn't think I was going to be as well endowed as Dirk Diggler.
I was minding my own business, taking a long, warm and comfy 9-month snooze inside my mommy with not a care in the world. In fact, I had a little happy smile on my face, knowing that the thing coiled all around me was going to make me VERY popular with the ladies one of these days. All of a sudden, I was awakened and was violently pulled out of this nice warm jacuzzi and into a frigid-cold Antarctica-like climate, wet and naked. I was terrified, as I saw this GIANT creature looming over me, wearing glasses that made his scowling eyes look HUGE staring down at me. The giant was wearing a light green robe and had the same colored green mask covering his mouth. I then saw other giants in the room wearing those same robes and masks talking amongst themselves in these deafening, low pitch monster voices. I immediately began to cry with fright, and then the next thing I know, the giant with the huge eyes dangles me upside down by my feet and the world turned upside down. He then slaps my bottom, and then lies me down on this FREEZING metal table tray thing, and immediately and completely snips my coiled pride and joy away, tucking the little tiny bit I had left in a hole in my belly. I looked down in horror as I realized that the long, large coiled thing I was so proud of wasn't mine at all!: The tiny nub BELOW my belly was mine, and I immediately began bawling in disappointment and shame at my terrible shortcoming. Finally, to add insult to injury, Dr. Giant decides to make my tiny Little Smokie even smaller, by snipping even MORE away at the tip of my nub, and that is where I lost it and absolutely SHRIEKED.
To this day, I want to take a dull, rusty garden snippers to that cruel Dr. Giant and see how HE likes having his Little Smokie snipped with no novacaine!!!! I found out later that that damn thing I was so proud for 9 months was some sort of damn feeding tube called a "nimblical cord" or something like that. It might have been nice if someone could have told me that bit of info from the beginning, so I didn't think I was going to be as well endowed as Dirk Diggler.
