College football is officially here, and so I am in complete battle mode right now, and have put on my gladiator helmet that will remain on until 12:01 am tomorrow night....I am known all over Boulder and the University of Colorado, as Tailgatin' Teddy...But tonight, I am known and feared as the legendary Gladiator they call Theodorus Maximus. I will be riding south to conquer Mile High Colosseum and watch the battle of the Colorado Buffaloes and the Colorado State Rams. A lot of people probably are saying or muttering to themselves, "you aren't a football player, why do YOU have to get ready for battle? You are just a FAN" ..This makes me so angry I am wielding my sword with a short loin cloth right this second!!!
First of all, in Colorado, they hurry to legalize marijuana yet do absolutely NOTHING about their 1959 "freeway" system, which is STILL a two-lane horse trail on 1-25 and Highway 36 that is constantly under constant repair, so they are all, in reality, one lane horse trails. I might add that it literally took me 4 hours last year to get to the game from a city only 55 miles away.....oh, and by the way I am SOOOO glad they legalized marijuana!!! What a great idea!!!! I know now, that I-25 will be completed sometime around 2098 instead of 2023 or so. I actually recommended to my congressman that Colorado's first priority should be to legalize powerful uncut 100 percent pure Mexican or Hell's Angel's manufactured methamphetamine, not pot, as that might REALLY help speed up the road crew's asses and get this damn road work completed: With a little deathamphetamine in their noses, they would work around the clock like an ant colony with no breaks and no lunch, and we would see some busy shovels indeed, and get the construction done in a week and a half or so instead of the next oncoming ice age. So, I need to battle all those "cone-stoned zone" folks in orange...and I don't give a damn about signs that say doubled fines or work zones, I am going 75 MPH the entire time regardless. If I hit some workers along the way, they can get their hard hats and "SLOW DOWN" signs out of the grill of my car at the stadium.
Secondly, to get into the stadium is like entering a state prison...Last year, they had, (and this is familiar to all of you that have to endure flying out of DIA,) 20 stadium entry ways but yet only TWO open with ONE wind breaker wearing wand-waver who makes you empty out every pocket and every body orifice you have...Each line had about 20,000 people trying to get in, with each fan one by one having to raise their arms to be frisked....I was pissed because the TSA employee that frisked me last year was this HUGE fat guy with sweaty BO and Funyun breath, and he was a little frisky indeed with his wand...He buzzed me all over my body for so long, for a minute or so there, I thought he was going to give me a full cavity search with his kielbasa sized fingers.... So I have to battle these over eager TSA people.
Now we get to the real reason I have to be a Gladiator: I have to slay a lot of the fans. Alcohol is usually the reason why, as there are always a bunch of drunk idiots in the stands, and I get tired of these beer swilling idiots more interested in beer and getting up to pee, than in the damn game. I have decided to let them pass one time the entire game and that is it...They will have to go around to the other side after that....There is ALWAYS a drunk guy/wanna be coach behind my ears that insists on screaming coaching advice the entire game into the void the coach never hears but travels far enough to pierce my ear drums and smell his alcohol infused barley breath. I will kill any one of those fans within 3 sections of me this year...Finally, the thing and group activity that pisses me off most of all, I saved for last: It is when the group of jack-offs in front of me, (with absolutely NOTHING obstructing their views from goal line to goal line) suddenly pop up out of their seats in unison like jack-off -in -the-boxes, right in the middle of a big play, as if their standing up is going to change whether they score or not...I have endured this maddening mob of "pop-ups" as my dad coined these idiots for 30 plus years, and any person or persons that stands during the game in front of me is going to immediately get stabbed with my gladiator sword, and I promise they will not stand up again during the game or any other time ever again.
In closing, I want to say that I will also be killing the greedy $30.00 parking people and any bastards that try to sell me an $8.00 luke warm sorry, limp-looking Cialus-less weiner in a stale bun that they call a "hot dog" or a $5.00 luke warm flat soft drink with lousy melting shaves of ice in it.
This year folks, I am going to enjoy the game...I am carrying my own home popped plastic bag of popcorn, a can of coke, and my sword all clandestinely up my private balloon knot and hopefully get past security. I only hope that I don't run into that same giant behemoth over eager blue flamed TSA employee with BO and bad breath who puts on rubber gloves.
